thrasherbunny

I have been going through various struggles with depression for most of my life. I had really bad anger issues as a child/young adult, was abused in most every way possible, have had problems with addictions, but through all of that I have managed to bounce back and be somewhat resiliant. In the past 2 years it has been getting progressively worse and has become unbearable in the past month. I finally had a panic attack that sent me skittering to the internet to find out some info about my problem. According to the internet, I have everything. That being said, I decided to call for some help. I had the first of what will be MANY therapy sessions on Wednesday. I am having a psychiatric assessment done next week as well. My current probable diagnoses include: bi-polar disorder, severe depression, dependent personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and eating disorder (bulimia nervosa). Of course that has to be verified with the psych evaluation. The therapist suggested that in addition to seeing her, I see the psychiatrist, get medication and have a disability evaluation done. She seems to think that I can qualify for short-term disability due to the debilitating nature of my illness. I can still function, but it is VERY difficult, unless I am having a Manic moment. My friends give me manic moments, because I am SO excited and happy to see them. That is good for me and bad, as I am DPD (dependent personality disorder) and could become dependent on my friends to be my "drug of choice". Since I am not technically working, the therapy is $10.00 per week (and I am going twice a week) and it is right here in Forest Park. I am going to go to the county Mental Health facility, so it will be based on my income, or lack thereof. They even have a program for helping me find a job with employers willing to hire crazy people. But that is after I am stabilized. I just really thought I was depressed and it was like everyone else, until I had the panic attack. The panic attack brought back all sorts of unpleasant memories and I totally freaked out. Someday, when I write my memoirs, it will be a VERY interesting story to tell. Hopefully it will have a happy ending.

One word, and one word only. No hyphenated cheats. One. WORD. ONLY.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think. Remember: one word answers.

1.Where is your mobile phone? bedroom
2.Where is your significant other? bedroom
3.Your hair? blonde
4.Your mother? dead
5.Your father? dead
6.Your favorite thing? food
7.Your dream last night? strange
8.Your favorite drink? coffee
9.Your dream/goal? money
10.The room you're in? den
11.Your ex? stupid
12.Your fear? alone
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? employed
14.Where were you last night? home
15.What you're not? rich
16.Muffins? pumpkin
17.One of your wish list items? sanity
18.Where you grew up? Atlanta
19.The last thing you did? typed
20.What are you wearing? clothes
21.Your TV? loud
22.Your pets? sleeping
23.Your computer? working
24.Your life? odd
25.Your mood? depressed
26.Missing someone? yes
27.Your car? old
28.Something you're not wearing? underwear
29.Favorite Store? Ross
30.Your summer? lame
31.Like someone? yes
32.Your favorite color? green
33.When is the last time you laughed? today
34.Last time you cried? today

OMG!!!

I think I have PMS or something. I am having that kind of day where nothing satisfies me and everything makes me want to scream or cry. Maybe both. OMG! Robby just came in the house from mowing the lawn. He looks at me and says "Guess what I need to go buy?", I ask what and he holds his hands out and his cell phone is in a MILLION pieces. Apparently he dropped it out of his pocket, then ran over it with the lawnmower. So let this be a two-fold lesson to us all.... DO NOT TAKE THE PHONE OUTSIDE TO MOW THE LAWN, AS YOU CAN'T HEAR IT ANYHOW. AND PART 2: ALWAYS GET THE INSURANCE ON THE PHONE. I hope he had insurance on it. God, I thought I would be the one to screw mine up first. I always have it near sinks, toilets, etc.. figured it would just go "BLOOP" into the water and I could get a new one. But HELL no, he tears his up and will get some kick-ass new phone with all sorts of bells and whistles. I'm still stuck with the freebie that isn't even on the list of phones that can download ringtones. CRAP! Well, off we go to buy a new phone for him. He lost all of the pix we had of the rabbit, the hockey players, etc.. SHEEEEYOT! We can't have anything nice. Oh, well..... cest la vie.

I met with my old bosses yesterday, these 2 guys I worked with for over 10 years. They want to put me into my own eBay business. I have been working part-time, and recently full-time for a couple who have an extremely successful eBay business, and now I have gathered the knowledge and experience to do it myself. I just didn't really have the capital to get supplies, etc.. Well, all I need now is to make a list of the supplies that I need to get started and of course inventory, and they have an office for me in Riverdale with everything I need. I will even be able to choose from an office inside the building with them, or I can have my own separate place, where I can work round the clock if I want. I am so excited and nervous. There is a part of me that says, don't do it, because it is easier to work for someone else. But a bigger part of me says to do it now, because an opportunity like this doesn't come along very often. The couple I work for do nothing but eBay now thanks to a wealthy benefactor believing in their ability to succeed. If it was successful, my poor husband wouldn't have to break his back working all night forever. He works very hard to provide for us, and I know he gets tired and hates it, but he doesn't complain. He is a good man, and knows he has to do what he must to keep our heads above water. Besides, he would be my main helper in this business. I would, of course have a business partner. I am sure the split would be 70/30, but 30% of a profitable business is still a lot more than a flat hourly rate working for someone else. Of course, I am going to do this. I hope I am up for the challenge.

OMG! So tired of working two jobs. But I have put in my 2 weeks notice at Curves, so after the 16th maybe this madness will stop. I really hate the idea of leaving, but I am losing more money by leaving the other job to go to Curves. Let's not even talk about the cost of gas!! I have gained 15 lbs since starting at Curves, 2.5 inches gained on thighs, 2 inches on hips and my abs have gotten BIGGER!!!! Something tells me this may not be the workout for me. Before I was all muscular, I looked skinny and could fit into most all of my clothes, now I am lucky if my pajamas and sweats aren't too tight. Hopefully this will change once I am not doing the workout 3-4 times a week. I will just go back to starving, since that is what works for me. Very hard to get the appetite under control again. Husbands are fattening!!!!!!! If you get married and gain weight.... blame the husband. It really is his fault. I guess I'd better get moving to go to work, almost that time again.

Well, it is week 2 that I have been doing 2 jobs. I am pretty damned tired and truly have a contempt thing going with this eye doctor. She is harsh and just downright disagreeable. We may soon agree to disagree and call it a day, or 2 weeks or what have you. On the other hand, I am learning some cool new stuff, so that is always a bonus. I keep telling myself that this will look good on a resume. Meanwhile, I am starting a 3rd job soon with a friend of mine, helping her with her eBay business. I can do that whenever I want, and she'll pay me by the hour for my time. Also, added benefit is learning all aspects of eBay selling so I can start doing my stuff from home, plus I am looking into becoming an Avon lady (ding dong asshole calling) and having that going as well. The ultimate goal here is to eventually get bills caught up, house repaired and painted, and then finally start taking some classes online or correspondence to get me ready for a career. If there is anything left of me after this shit is over. Now that I am home, I have to cook dinner for Robby to take to work tonight so we can save on that extravagance. Who would have ever thought Taco Bell could be extravagant? Anywho..... that's life.

It is SOOOOOO beautiful outside. Today when I went out to go to work I remembered what it felt like when I was a kid and the weather got warm. Anxiety!!!!! Gotta get in shape to be in less clothes. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I need to get things in order. Going to enter that contest on WSB, maybe they will pick me. I will get my 15 minutes of fame. Where my exericse ladies at? Probably all out doing some lovely warm weather activity, like eating ice cream. Bad fatties!!!! OOOOH, that was really mean. Bad chubbies, there that's better. I am a chubby too, so it is ok. Guess I'll just dance in here until someone comes and embarrasses me.

Went to my interview today. The eye doctor is actually the doctor inside Pearle Vision Center over by the mall. I got the job. It starts out pretty good. I am on a trial basis here, I go in to start training tomorrow, and she wants me to hang on to my current job at Curves until we see how we like each other. Then, I can give ample notice and come in full time when we both feel like I am ready. This sounds really good. I will be mostly running the front office, and also learning a lot of the technical side of the practice. I will eventually be dilating eyes, blowing the air in the eyes for tests, seating patients, etc... I am pretty damned excited. I had to go and buy new scrubs today though because I have somehow outgrown my old ones. For a while I will be doing two jobs, including Saturdays at the eye doc. Maybe, just maybe I can help out around here. The best thing is that if it turns out to not be the right opportunity for me, I will still have Curves to fall back on. I may have to cut my schedule at Curves back to 3 days, rather than 4, not sure about that one yet. But regardless, I go in for my first day of training tomorrow morning at 10:00 am, then off at 2:00 pm and on to Curves by 3:30. Finally, I will be busy. If this works out, I will most likely start school online within the next few months for medical billing and coding. That is something I have wanted to do for a while, but the funds just haven't been there. Maybe this is the right move for me. We'll see.....

This is the most dreary day I have ever seen. Rain, rain, go away.... I want to go back to bed and sleep with Robby and I can't. I have to go to work in an hour or so. Well, I have risen, but I REFUSE to shine. I researched online as to exactly an optometric technician does and I am prepared to jump on the chance if I get it. This would be a definitely marketable skill to learn and also could keep me employed for the long run. Administrative assistants are a dime a dozen, but training for a specialty practice, could be very valuable indeed. Plus the office is very close to home, it is actually within the perimeter of the mall. And you know I LOVE the mall. I was awakened at 2:42 AM by the sound of a text message, actually several. They were from my old friend, Shannon. She lives in Washington and I figured she had no idea of the time. I was just about to call her, when I got a third message that said, oops those were meant for Shari (her sister), sorry, go back to sleep. Should have called her anyway, just to give her hell. It seems her 18 year old son (he will actually be 18 on 2/23) is planning on buying this girl an engagement ring. She was totally freaking out about it. I can't say that I blame her. I married at 20 and deeply regretted it. After my divorce from Doug, my first husband, I didn't see or hear anything from him again. Then one day, Robby and I went to watch Thrashers practice at the ice forum and I saw this guy that looked kind of familiar. I finally asked him if his name was Doug. It was!!! He totally did not recognize me. I said we have a strange connection... I used to be your wife. Then I got to make the introduction.... first husband, meet last husband. It was so odd. We didn't hug, we shook hands. Like we had been business partners or something. Didn't even bring back any fond memories or nostalgia or anything. I just remember how I left him cold for M.D. I left 2 husbands for M.D., not sure if anyone else realizes that. I am happy to say, there is no way in HELL I would go down that road again. He will forever be known to me as "The Anti-fun".

I applied for an optometric technician position, and the doctor e-mailed me about coming in Thurs. for an interview. It is in Morrow, so close is good. I made sure they know I have no experience, but they said they are willing to train. I think this would possibly be a good opportunity to learn something new. I mean, I did enjoy the medical stuff I used to do. I even enjoyed MOST of the stuff at the chiropractors office. I just hated the nasty foot baths and spilling peoples foot funk all over me. Other than that, I enjoyed all the learning process and working on the technical stuff. Anyhow, I plan on going to this one. I am off on Thurs. and don't have anything better planned. Maybe this could be the right one.... It really sucks being a Leo with a Libra ascendant, I am WAY too indecisive. Plus Robby spoils me, so if it isn't what makes Bunny happy, then Bunny ain't gonna do it. I will just pray for wisdom to make the right decision.

So I started my new job today. All weekend I have been trying to contact Toni, my manager at Curves to let her know what was up about this job. All weekend she has not answered her phone or returned my call. I never told her in any of the messages what was going on, just that I needed to speak with her and it was important. I wasn't on the schedule today, so she still doesn't know about Pawn Pro. Let me f**king tell ya, GOOD THING!!!!!!! The day started like any other first day, horrible. Mainly because I was nervous and secondly because I love Curves and the friends I had made, most of whom I would leave without a goodbye. This includes Toni, my manager. Add to this, the anxiety looming about STILL having to resign without notice from my beloved Curves. I filled out necessary tax forms, etc..., got introduced to everyone and then got kind of ditched because my supervisor works the other side of the business which is title pawn, she got kind of busy. Then these 3 young hispanic males walked in, with lovely tattoos on their foreheads and were trying to sell some stuff. I, of course, had not been trained, so I yell for Emilio, one of the spanish speaking people and he won't come out, neither will the girl who speaks spanish. I left the counter for a moment to try to find someone to help me help them and was pulled back in the back by co-workers and they explained that I needed to communicate to these young men we didn't want to deal with them. It appears they are with a GANG called the Brown Side Locos and they have been stealing stuff and robbing and killing people all over Clayton County. They come in every now and then, along with the CCC (Clayton County Crips), CCB (Clayton County Bloods) and some other long gang name that I can't recall. Now, as the new girl, it appears there is a bit of an initiation happening to me. I have to march right out there and tell them (I no habla espanol) that we don't want their stolen goods. I asked couldn't we just call the cops if we know they've got stolen goods, and they told me the cops won't come unless we take the crap they're selling and key it into C.C.P.D database. Well, not only did I not tell them that, I went back to the back room and started gathering my stuff and preparing to call Robby to get me out of there. The owner came in before I could call home (E.T. phone home) and tried to talk me out of leaving. He is a really good-looking guy and finds himself quite charming, so he added some very flirtatious actions into this already yucky stew going on. Needless to say, I called Robby, left the bad place and plan to never return. I did give them plenty of reasons why I didn't feel this was the right opportunity for me.

Back in the mid-90's, I worked at a convenience store and I loved it SO much. It was fun, I met all kinds of guys and just really did well there. Then one night/early morning, all of that changed. I was robbed at gunpoint and locked in a cooler til police came. I had a bad feeling about the guy who robbed me, and I had that same feeling today with those guys. I don't think I ever want to work in a place where cash exchanges hands again. Sure, this may limit my job search in Clayton, but I have extensive administrative and customer service skills. I shouldn't have as much trouble finding something as I have been having. It is the unfortunate demographic changes in my county, in order to work, they would like you to habla espanol. I will NOT learn spanish on principal. Coming to America is fine, but once you're here, learn the language and become a citizen already. Sorry, went politically incorrect there.

KAT, thanks for the good luck text this morning, it brightened my day. I knew you were praying for me, and maybe that is part of why nothing stupid happened at the job. I am to the point now, that all I ask God for is patience, wisdom, courage and guidance. I am still learning to shut up and listen to Him and let Him guide me. That part is hard for some reason.

Whatever happened to youth clubs like Boy Scouts and Cub Scouts? Maybe if there were more positive places for the youth to go, they wouldn't have to be in violent gangs.